Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
Winter is un-brr-lieveable!
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
Building a good makeup design always starts with a good foundation.
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
Aside from being single, what do you do for a living?
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
How do werewolves stop a video?
They press the paws button.
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
I've got a really good vegetable pun.
I’d tell you but I’m worried you’d think it’s too corny.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
My chickens escaped and over my yard...
I wasn't expecting the coop d'etat.
Skier: Doc, I think I'm addicted to skiing at Loveland Ski Are
Shrink: You may be going down a slippery slope. Do you feel a divide?
A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
What do you call someone who’s crazy about corn?
A corn-ivore!
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a bogey in it.
Where do you go to learn how to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
Does your Dad own Snapple, because you're made of the best stuff on earth?
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
When in France, I have Nantes-thing to complain about.
I'm on a hunt - for your number.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
Honey if I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put the letters "DON'T LOVE" in between I and U
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