The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
I expected some baggage with our relationship but I didn’t expect the cargo of the Titanic to come floating to the surface.
There’s no trick in these pants.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
Irish I may, Irish I might.
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.
When do you stop at green and go at red? When you're eating a watermelon!
I know Benjamin Franklin.
Why was there no food left at the Halloween party?
Because everyone was a goblin.
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
Have you heard of the hair stylist that refuses to cut hair?
If she won't cut hair to earn a living, she'll certainly dye.
If you throw your peas in the sky you get air pods.
Are you from Starbucks because I like you a latte!
Why people did not like the restaurant on? Because there was literally no atmosphere.
Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
Baby you could even make the Cold War hot!
What a spud muffin.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran my boat into yours. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.
Why will you not want to give a bath to the Saturn? It would then leave a ring around the tub.
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
Where do beavers keep their money? Well, they keep it in the riverbank.
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
Your profile pic is so cute. The human isn't too bad looking either.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
People tell me I have a good breaststroke, but I'd say I'm a pretty good swimmer too.
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
If you ever own a koala as a pet, make sure you can keep track of it by putting a koalar around its neck.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
With Coronavirus and our impending doom, I guess no one really had 2020 vision after all.
French fries aren’t cooked in France
They’re cooked in greece.
Lost at sea? I'm not shore.
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
Unicycle? Girl! How about U-‘n’-I cycle?
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