Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
If you ever need directions, call for a navi-gator.
Look like we've got a long wait here in the check-out line, so why don't we get acquainted.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
Why should you never do math with a tiger?
If you add 4+4 you're gonna get ate.
It’s a winterful day!
What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
Girl, do you need to get your protein macros up? Because I'd gladly make you a drink
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel.
Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?
How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?
Thank you for making our relationship sweet rather than a rocky road.
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
My family wanted me to cut the grass, but I couldn't get myself mow-tivated.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
How do you make a rabbit float? Put soda, syrup, and milk into a glass. Add one rabbit.
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
If you were a vegetable, you'd be a CUTE-cumber.
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
Why do you think is the moon bald? Because it has no ‘air.
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