What do kids play when they can’t play with a phone?
Bored games.
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?
They ketchup.
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men
You have to fear the wurst.
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
He wanted to see a chicken strip.
What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
Why didn’t Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster?
Because he just didn’t have the guts to do it again.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Eva.
Eva who?
Eva been asked out via knock knock joke before…?
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
Oh gosh gal your eyes look like falling stars.
My son wanted a pet spider but they're to expensive.
I told him I'll get him one off the web.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
You are as cute and cuddly as a Koala.
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
Near an ear, a nearer ear, a nearly eerie ear.
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?
It’s a real Eiffel.
Read a story about two people who stole cars driving into each other.
Must have been Bonnie and Collide
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
"I now pronounce you dumped and single. You may now kiss my ass."
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
With the kind of weather, it was almost certain that the bride-to-be would get a hoarse throat as she walked through the rain into her bridal shower.
Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better
My Creeper gets excited when it sees how hot you look.(Minecraft)
What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.
Go to BabaMail
