What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
Ariel spent the weekend alone because she was feeling a little crabby.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
What are the best sandwiches to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy melts!
How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
What milk comes from Spain?
Soy Milk.
What did Shakespeare say when he was angry with his Dalmatian?
Out, out, damned spot.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
What does a dog wear when it’s cold outside?
A pet-ticoat.
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
If you were a laser, you'd be set on stunning.
What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
Don’t hang around booze hounds. They’re wine-y bitches.
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
We've reached the point of snow return.
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
What do you get if you come fourth in the National Weatherman Awards? A precipitation trophy.
There’s no reason to wine about you.
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.
Dinosaurs represent our relationship, because they both don’t exist anymore.”
You’re the Higgs boson particle of my life… Because without you, my universe wouldn’t “matter.”
What is a beaver's most favorite drama series ever? Riverdale.
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
It’s a winterful day!
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
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