Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
I used to be a werewolf but I’m ok noooooooooooow!!
Even after a decade or two, I think we will all remember this year forever.
I mean, hindsight is 2020.
What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.
Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.
Hey, baby. I'm calling myself Han because you need to be Solo.
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
When is it raining money? Whenever there's 'change' in the weather.
Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis...
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?
His name was Only One Cannoli.
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
Why did the witch fall off her broom mid-flight?
She had a fainting spell!
I over boiled some venison broth earlier.
It was deerly mist.
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
Can I have your number so I can call you anytime I miss you?
Shake your shamrocks.
If my love were music, you'd be the most beaituful lyrics in the songbook
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amish!
Amish who?
You're not a shoe!
What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?
I guess we'll just have to make dew.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.
It's just a lot of croc 'n' roll.
Why did the cloud stay at home? It was feeling under the weather.
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
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