I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
What do you see? [Nothing]. That’s my life without you.
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
Where do math teachers normally like to go on summer vacation?
Times Square.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
Are you a parking ticket? Because you're evidence that I made a mistake.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.
What do you call a baby monkey? A Chimp off the old block.
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
What do you get when you cross a bat with a doorbell?
A ding-bat.
The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
Did you hear about the new Wifi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
What did the bat do when she did not know the answer in class?
She winged it.
Tell me of this thing you humans call... (dramatic pause) love.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
Do you get a hint of almond in this Keemun? No? That’s odd because I’m nuts about you.
What do you call a row of 5 tow trucks?
A foot.
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you are Cu-Te.
Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.
We may be two ships that pass in the night, but I must have your number before you Ceylon.
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
The wind is following a new workout program. It’s called air conditioning.
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.
I have no idea how to raise chickens.
I think I’ll just wing it.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.
What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks.
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
Let’s put our tulips together.
Go to BabaMail
