It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
Q: Why is a carrot orange and pointy?
A: Because if it was green and round, it would be a pea!
I'm acorn-y person.
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
"I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees."
― Pablo Neruda, Twenty Love Poems and A Song of Despair
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Glow!
Glow who?
Glow worm!
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
Where do cows go on December 31st?
A moo year’s eve party.
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
Roses are red, violets are blue, give me your number, so I can bloom with you.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons — balancing them badly.
If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gladys
Gladys who?
Gladys Friday, finally the weekend starts!
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.
Someone said you were looking for me.
What do you call a painting by a cat of herself? A self paw-trait.
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
What does a dog love to eat while watching a movie?
Pupcorn.
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
Why was the cat not allowed on the computer? Because she tried to catch the mouse!
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much when he was a kid?
He was a little Thor.
Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."
After hearing about my history major, my dad said, “You should go visit Italy in late August.Then you can witness The Fall of Rome."
If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.
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