Those aren't sugar plums dancing through my head, it's all you.
I cannot think of anything sweeter than chocolate than - oops! of course, there is you!
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
My dog never stands up for himself.
He just rolls over.
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
Did you hear about the person who watched too many Shrek movies?
He ogre-dosed.
What do moon people do after they get married?What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honeyearth.
What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
Hey Girl! Are you a software program?
Because you've been running in my memory all day.
What do frogs do when they ski?
They rip it.
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
Where do beavers sleep? They sleep on a river bed.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
She couldn't find the "10" button.
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
What do you call a thriller movie involving cars?
Suspension movie.
Are you a human? Just making sure.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
I don’t know about you, but I think helicopter rescue pilots have the best pick-up lines.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
All theatres love to see scarecrows out in the audience as reviewers! They're simply outstanding in their field.
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Iran!
Iran who?
Iran over here to tell you this!
The last four letters of 'queue' are not silent
They're just waiting their turn.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
Girl give me a chance and I will show you a world of our own where spell of love began and our hearts become one
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
Beer-lieve it or not!
If I could change the periodic table, I would put Uranium and Iodine next to each other.
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
My love for you is like no otter.
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
What did one glow worm said to the other one?
You glow girl!
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
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