The ghost was told off when he spook out of turn.

What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box

What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeakers.

I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."

Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen

I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus

Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.

Are you a fire alarm? because you are really freaking loud and annoying

I need three things: The sun for the day, The moon for the night, and you for the whole life.

It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.

If Messier retires he's sure to be moosed.

Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.

Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.

Girl, you must be blue because you’re the hottest star around right now.

Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.

What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.

Visitors are Doolin over these gorgeous views.

Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.

Ain’t no mountain high enough to keep me from you.

What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.

Have you heard about some bones on the moon? Looks like the cow couldn’t make it after all.

I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!

I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.

How does Mr. Bean introduce himself in Spain?
Soy Bean.

Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
Seal.

What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.

“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson

No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.

Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.

I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.

What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid

What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face? A mouse-tache!

I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.

What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.

When a dinosaur gets a goal in a soccer tournament, it is known as a dino-score.

What tree monster prowls the forest?
Frankenpine.

"Alcohol you later."

Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.

(Mary Oliver Rotman)

Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.

What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!

What is the ocean’s favorite lullaby?
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do I smell like your mom/dad?

How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!

Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.

Damn girl, are you British?
Because you just conquered my heart

How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.

What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.

“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”