Books on helium are so hard to put down.
Jellyfish and peanut butterare sea turtles favorite sandwich.
I want to stretch with you.
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
Which baseball player makes the best pancakes?
The batter.
What do you call a small fish magician? A magic carpet
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
I summoned the dragon just for you. Now its time to make your wish come true.
I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
What does a flower do when they get caught in a lie?
Backpetal.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
I really hope Santa can figure out how to make all his deliveries this year due to Covid-19......
I hear he just ran out of santa-tizer.
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?
(Justin Worthy)
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
Why are houseflies great at arithmetics? Because they multiply really fast.
Who directs all of the movies about volleyball injuries? Spike Lee.
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
I was surprised when I saw a man get struck by lightning.
The man was shocked as well.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
What did the lion say to his cubs when he was first teaching them how to hunt? Don’t cross the road until you see the zebra crossing!
If you were a boat I would keep you in a garage.
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
Everybody wants to light up a soccer stadium. However, this is only possible using a soccer match.
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
"On cloud wine."
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
On which day do tiger eat people?
Chewsday
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
What do elves use in the kitchen when they are cooking?
Kitchen u-tinsels!
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