Why did the chicken cross the road? It was playing crossy road.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
My buddy was cast in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, but he was still angry because he wasn't Happy.
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? Because no one ever tells them anything!
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
Knock knock. Who's there?
You're.
You're who?
You're single again.
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
Are you a cat? Because you look purrrfect!
My wife just yelled that I should fall in a pit or hole sunk into the earth to reach a supply of water and die.
I know she means well.
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.
A silent man walked into a bicycle shop...
He picked up a wheel and spoke.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There was a team member bar tending who could serve spiked drinks.
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
If you were a sentence, I'd be the punctuation mark because I'd always follow you no matter what.
Their soccer team and the US navy had one thing in common, they both spent over $50 million on a sub.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
I‘m no photographer, but I can picture us running together.
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
How does Frankenstein speak?
Frankly.
What do you call a bee that comes back from the dead?
Zombee
Why do toadstools grow so close to each other? They do not need mushroom to grow.
If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
Ten after one.
When is Monday coming?
MonSoon!
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
Do you know the hardest part about making skimmed milk? Having to throw the cows across the lake.
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
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