I violated grammar rules, so I got punished with the death sentence.
Death.
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
If I kissed you on one cheek, would you turn the other?
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
Take me to Papa John's, because this is love at 425 degrees.
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
You cannot get a basketball game fairly officiated in the jungle because cheetahs are all over.
I'm researching the most common digits in phone numbers. What's your number?
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?
Lettuce stop these governmental leeks.
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
My mom thinks I'm gay, can you help me prove her wrong?
Where do frogs leave their hats and coats?
In the croakroom.
Did you know this mall has a movie theater? I just saw a preview of our life together. Looks pretty good!
Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups.
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!
Why did the gnome visit his mother?
To get a gnome-cooked meal.
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
Scuba diving is a good hobby... if you wanna hit rock bottom.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
Why do so few vegetarians become competitive swimmers?
They don’t like the swim meats!
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
What did the ghost who crashed the Halloween party say? - I’m here for the boos!
How to spot the best mechanic?
The brightest bulb.
Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
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