What type of dog can use a phone?
A dial-matian.
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
What does a witch get if she crosses a black cat and a lemon?
A sour puss.
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak!
How do blind folks buy homes in hot markets?
Sight unseen.
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
What is a baker’s favorite type of icing?
Fawn-dant.
Back in the early 2010s, the peach children loved to flock around to listen to Peach Pit.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
Where do cats go when they lose their tail? A re-tail store!
Where did Velociraptor buy things? At a dino-store!
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
You should go in the water, cuz you're so hot you're on fire!
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
How do you call football without shoes?
Socker.
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
Q: Why was the cloud so dark and stormy?
A: It was feeling mis-thunder-stood.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”
Are you an overdue book? Because you have fine written all over you!
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
You love dogs. I love dogs. I think we may just be the paw-fect match.
What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
What Disney movie can a deer watch over and over again?
Fawn-tasia.
I like milk and cookies but I would rather have you.
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
What do we call a plumb pineapple? It is called a pineapple chunk!
What does a dog love to eat while watching a movie?
Pupcorn.
He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.
I hand out couple assists per game, but never landed on a dime like you
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
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