It's hunting season and fox like you shouldn't be out in the open!
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
My favourite piece in chess is the rook
It is the most straight-forward.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a loud sleeper? A Snore-a-sorus
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
Yes! I've always known you were a bit nutty!
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
A guy ate only metal bars for thanksgiving
He was gratefull
Hey, you can r’Eli on me to be a fun date
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!
Ants in your plants.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
Recently I was at a store walking down the flash drives and hard drives section.
I have to say, it was quite a walk down the memory lane.
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
What happens when you make love on a couch?
It becomes a sectional.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
When the ghost saw his wife he said 'you're not just cute, you're boo-tiful too!'
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
What is a crows favorite vegetable?
Corn on the caawb.
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch
A man went to buy long underwear cause the weather was getting cold. The cashier asked " How long would you like them"
"From march to September", said the man.
Why was the koala scientist so well-respected by his peers? He was known for conducting excellent koalatative research.
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
My lead off's not great, and though I may be off base, I'd like to take you on a date.
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
Who’s a llama’s favorite pop singer?
Llama Del Ray.
What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I’d be in a higher tax bracket.
I think you’re pretty Stella-r
How do billboards talk?
Sign language.
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