I hope you're ready to spend some koalaty time together.
Did you know a nose cannot be 12 inches long?
Otherwise it’d be a foot!
What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Are you a box of BD pen needles? Because you are ultra-fine.
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes.
"The pursuit of happiness" means it's cool to hit on you, right?
Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
Unicorns deserve to be banned from facebook because all they do is poke people all day.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
Treat yo'elf.
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
What do you call a horse on a boat attached to land?
Docked.
If you can tell me the difference between Flag Day and the 4th of July, I will buy you a drink.
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
I’m like the smell of chlorine – I’ll never leave you.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
Take a pitcher. It'll last longer.
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
What do you get when you dump your Easter eggs on a hill?
A spring roll!
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
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