What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
There was a television channel ran by pets, the weather forecast was on and inclement weather was being predicted...
High chance of it raining cats and dogs, howling winds, and a possible purricane.
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
I replaced the milk in the carton with lemon juice. Everyone was really sour about it.
My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a break from delivering gifts? Santa Pause!
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
You look like you could use some hot chocolate... Well, here I am!
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
Hey, are you a campfire? ‘Cause you’re super hot and I want s’more.
I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
CRIME: Sheriff Asks For 13.7% Increase
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus To 66
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
What drink scares defense lawyers? Guilt-Tea.
If Jim has 15 watermelons and throws one at Mary, what does Mary have?
“A really bad headache!”
What do you call a frog with no back legs?
Unhoppy.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck...
It was a camel tow
Hey Girl are you my checked in luggage? 'Cause I’d wait an eternity for you at the airport.
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.
What problem do you encounter with twin witches?
You can never tell which is witch.
I bought a boat because it was for sail.
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
Hey Anthony, methinks Antho-Need your number
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
And yes, gnomes are always trying to get to first base with the ladies.
Whats the first day of the week called in outer space?
Moonday.
What happens when a koala drinks too much alcohol? He gets a bear gut.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
Go to BabaMail
