Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!
What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
There’s only one thing I want to change about you, and that’s your last name.
Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
Have you ever tried pineapple milk? Do you know where it comes from? Obviously from the pine – nipples!
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
Made a whole bunch of dad jokes at Thanksgiving dinner...
I pulled out all the Pops!
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
Every book has some flaws and mistakes, no matter how good the editor. It’s bound to happen.
If you were a puck, I'd never shoot. Because I would always miss you.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster give up boxing?
Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks.
Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra.
You can never find the barcode.
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
If you were a vegetable you'd be a cutecumber.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
What does a polite vampire say to its victim?
- Fang you very much.
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
What did Mars tell to Saturn? Give me a ring sometime!
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
Are you sugar? Because I just had sweet dreams about you.
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
What did one frog say.to the other?
Time's sure fun when you're having flies.
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN’T SAY BANANA!
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
What's a ghost with a broken leg called? A hoblin goblin.
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
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