My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
Is this a science class? Because we have great chemistry.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
What do zombies serve at parties?
Finger food.
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
My lips are like skittles. Wanna taste the rainbow?
I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system. They called it Interstella Artois.
Are Jellyfish sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish?
Did you hear they are not making yardsticks any longer?
They’re not making them any shorter either.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
I less than three you.
Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
So I was reading my bible the other day and I was wondering if you know what Paul meant by "Greet one another with a holy kiss?"
What do elves use in the kitchen when they are cooking?
Kitchen u-tinsels!
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
He was going to sleep in a bucket of ice.
But then he got cold feet.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
What do you call a rubber bumper on a yacht?
A shark absorber.
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
You must be the iceberg from Titanic and I'm the ship because tonight we're gonna smash.
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.
Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."
Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing tennis?
Juan on Juan!
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
Your phone is nice, but it would be even nicer if it had my name on your contact list.
What does a bee do when it is extremely hot?
It takes off its yellow jacket!
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
Tis the sea-sun.
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
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