Hey girl, I've got an extensive collection of solution manuals. Can I get your number?
What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects? A con artist.
I’ve got my ion you, baby.
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
Can I interest you in a magic trick? Just give me your phone and watch my number magically appear on it.
“I couldn’t help but notice that you look a lot like my next girlfriend.”
- Will Smith, Hitch (2005)
So … do you run here often?
This sidewalk must be unsalted, because I just fell for you.
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,
I had to put my foot down.
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
Corona virus has caused our local supermarket to sell out of pasta.
All because of a fusilli people.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
The fruit bat ate the orange because of its appeal. It had such a nice color.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
How does a turtle feel after being electrocuted?
Shell-shocked.
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
Available balance: $9.11.
Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?
His name is Juan O'Clock.
What spread do astronauts use on their toast?
. . . Space jam
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
Hey girl, I'd give you my heart but I already gave it to Jesus.
You can have my number though.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
How much dew does a dewdrop drop
If dewdrops do drop dew?
They do drop, they do
As do dewdrops drop
If dewdrops do drop dew.
Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?
How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?
When girls say they want a guy who can sweep them off their feet...
they do know that there’s a janitor ready for the job, right?
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
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