Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
Baby, you're a firework.
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
How do you leave any building in Spain?
You "follow salida lida lida..."
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
What did the pepperoni say to the cook?
You wanna pizza me?
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
Vampires can always Count on Dracula.
I know the difference between "less" and "fewer," but don't worry, you won't have to ask me for either of them.
Levi's should pay you a royalty.
What do you call a mosquito with a turbo?
A bug-hati.
You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!
Amelia, I’d love to share Ameal-with-ya
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
There’s a big thunderstorm. The road is blocked by a big mudslide. A little boy asks his dad, “Why does earth fall down like that?”
His dad answers, “It’s terrain.”
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife
"Over-easy like Sunday morning."
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
Betty Botter bought some butter but, said she, the butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better.
So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter,
put it in her bitter batter, made her bitter batter better.
So ‘t was better Betty Botter bought some better butter.
Why did the cheese get in trouble?
It was up to no gouda.
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.
"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"
"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.
"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'
"So here I am."
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
Do you like the internet? Because I can put you on there if you come back to my place.
Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.
What do you call an ant who joins the army?
Milit-ant.
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
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