Where do koalas go to settle legal matters? A kangaroo court!
What did the minotaur say to the real estate agent?
- Amazing.
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
How do you give a deer a compliment?
“Fawn over him!”
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
You’re under arrest for not giving me your number.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, want me to jump off this chairlift for you? 'Cause I think I could fall for you.
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
Woke up with sweats afraid I'd contracted the corona virus...
Changed into jeans and was all good.
Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
"Have a hoppy Easter."
You are my semicolon; always present in everything I do.
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
"Do I love you? My god, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches."
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"
70 percent of the human body is made up of water and im very thirsty.
I really can't finish a box of strawberries all by myself, Would you like to share with me over some wine?
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It's just lowercase.
Are you an Advil? Cause I'd like to take you every 2-4 hours.
I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You made my life a mess
Please call a clean-up crew
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
Are you a pot-head? Because weed be cute together
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
Each Easter Eddie eats eighty Easter eggs.
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
What is a ghost's favorite place to work?
Ghoul-gle.
Where do rocks like to sleep?
In bedrocks!
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
Hey, how'd you like to recreate the Big Bang?
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
What did the queen bee say to the naughty bee? Beehive yourself.
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