Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.
It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
Who were Gumby’s favorite Bible characters?
Shadrack, Meshack & AhBENDago.
Girl you're like my favorite Spotify playlist... No matter how much I wander I'd always come back to you.
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
I do wonder why my flamingo friends always do so well in tests and exams. After all, they always just wing it.
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I’ve seen a whale blubber.
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.
Do you want to be my lab partner? I think we could have some great chemistry together.
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
My grand father always said "fight Fire with Fire".
He was a great man but a terrible Fireman
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lock
Lock who?
Lock who it is, after all this time!
What does a snail wear to go dancing?? Escargogo boots.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
Where did the computer go to dance? To a disc-o.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw?
Because they don’t know how to cook it.
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
What is a garbage disposal’s favorite music group?
NSYNC.
Where do bulls get their messages? On a bull-etin board.
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
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