Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
Where do cats go when they lose their tail? A re-tail store!
How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
What do zombies eat for dessert?
Eyes cream.
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.
"Have a hoppy Easter."
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
The hipster beaver denied swimming in the river. He said it was too main-stream.
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
What does the Pope eat during Lent?
Holy mackerel.
Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.
Hey babe do you need crutches? Cause I can’t stand you anymore.
When the drivers ran out of fuel in the grassland, they refueled their tanks with grass-oline!
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
Did you hear about the psychic hermit crab?
Makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
Without you, I feel like a fragment. Incomplete.
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
I enjoy your company and the silence in between our yoga mats.
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
Puns make me numb, but math puns make me...
Number.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
Man: "Wow, you're tall! How's the weather up there?"
Woman: "It's raining." and pour a glass on him.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
What painting is terrible at ever being happy? The Moaning Lisa.
What do you get when you cross an orange with a parrot? A carrot.
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
Does your dad own a chocolate factory? Because you are as sweet as chocolate.
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D
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