"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
Can I take your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
I saw a documentary today about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage.
But I believe this sub's doing even better!
As I only have two factors, I’m the prime candidate for you.
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
What did the band Boston say in praise of the Sistine Chapel?
"It's more than a ceiling"
You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.
What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
I know somebody who likes you but if I weren’t so shy I would tell you who.
I'm sorry I had an accident...
I slipped and fell right into your heart.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
What’s the best dessert to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy cake!
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?
I wish your name was Avogadro because then I would already know your number.
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
A priest is the best catch for a tiger as they like to prey.
What kind of pasta do skeletons enjoy eating the most?
Elbow macaroni.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
"Have You Ever Seen"
Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?
Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?
Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?
Beach, please.
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
I'm not passive aggressive. Unlike *some* people.
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
What did you just call me? Just because we’re Dark Chocolate does not give you the right to call us “Snickers”.That’s OUR word.
Go to BabaMail
