Where do gorillas go to after work?
The monkey bars.
Would you allow me to experience what’s beyond your Event Horizon?
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
Did the Lord take the thunder from the skies, and put it in your thighs?
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
I hand out couple assists per game, but never landed on a dime like you
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
What did the Christmas tree tell his crush? I pine for you.
What does a Greek machine need to work?
Greece.
Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
What's the name of the machine the ancient greeks used to calculate how best to fight hybrid monsters?
The antichimera mechanism.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.
Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
What type of room do you eat? A mush room.
Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!
Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
He cleaned out every crook and nanny.
Apples and oranges had a conversation one day. Guess what the apples were saying the oranges, nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.
If you really want to get a date at a restaurant, it’s always nice to cut to the cheese.
Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
30 Year Friendship Ends At Alter
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
Are you a musician? Because you make my heart go staccato.
How did the calf’s final exam turn out?
Grade A.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
Why didnt the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
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