There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
A pilot friend of mine took the flight exam and flew past a rainbow. No wonder, he passed with flying colors.
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.
This morning I saw a flower and I thought it was the most beautiful thing i have ever seen; until I met you.
What's more amazing than a talking bat? A spelling bee!
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
I didn’t know you could vape a chocolate bar until my wife told me to stop inhaling them.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
What's white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
A hot frog.
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
While the blues musician performed his most famous song, balloons of every color were released in the arena. Guess we may get to call it the 'House of Hues'.
Easter and April Fools fall on the same day this year...
You could say it only happens once in a blue moon.
Hey Girl are you my checked in luggage? 'Cause I’d wait an eternity for you at the airport.
Truck drivers have a great way of settling disputes – they only use their horns. It’s known as a fight to the deaf.
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
My psychiatrist sent me for an MRI because she thinks I have a magnetic personality.
Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Kenya
Kenya who?
Kenya guess who is it?
What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ima.
Ima who?
Ima horny, let's screw.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
It’s time to say Versailles to France.
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
Bobby Bippy bought a bat.
Bobby Bippy bought a ball.
With his bat Bob banged the ball
Banged it bump against the wall
But so boldly Bobby banged it
That he burst his rubber ball
"Boo!" cried Bobby
Bad luck ball
Bad luck Bobby, bad luck ball
Now to drown his many troubles
Bobby Bippy's blowing bubbles.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put I at the beginning and U at the end.
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
Whatever floats your goat.
Why did king Minos put Minotaur inside a labyrinth?
He wanted to amaze his wife.
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
"Read between the wines."
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
You must be Saturn Because I feel attracted to you even when I’m a million miles away!
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
I could never Elea-gnor someone so stunning as you
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