What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...
He's a small arms dealer.
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
I'm going to combine my interests of taxidermy and bomb making
by making you an otter you can't defuse.
My friend who's a vampire was feeling a bit low. I told him to drink B positive.
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
Whenever I look at you I see something more desirable than chocolate.
"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"
Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.
She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.
One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.
So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.
What is considered the tallest building in the world?
The library, because it has so many stories.
Dad: Did you hear about the cow that was arrested?
Kids: No.
Dad: He was uddermining the authorities.
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
Denise sees the fleece,
Denise sees the fleas.
At least Denise could sneeze
and feed and freeze the fleas
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
Hey girl, I won't be able to see you for the next few weeks.
I'm giving up sweet things for Lent.
You shift my emotional oxy-hemoglobin saturation curve to the left! Easy to bind, hard to let go...
You must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.
My neighbor drank so much gravy on a Thanksgiving Day dare that he choked to death.
He went from the ladle to the grave.
When is a black dog not a black dog?
When it’s a Greyhound.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
Why was the robot mad? People kept pushing its buttons.
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
If you give me your number, I promise to spam you with pictures of cute puppies on a daily basis.
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
How do you know flowers are friendly?
They always have new buds!
Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
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