Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
What makes more noise than a dinosaur ? Two dinosaurs!
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
Hey Caleb, I think I leb you already.
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
"Put Up With Me"
I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
– Holly Giffers
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
What made the truck driver finally stop farting?
He ran out of gas.
What is a polar bear’s favorite food?
Iceberg lettuce and snow peas.
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis
Dildon’t.
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
We got a huge jack-o-lantern this fall. It gave the neighbors pumpkin to talk about.
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives.
Because he never met you.
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
I couldn't chair less!
What’s a horse’s favorite fruit?
Canterlope.
Excuse me, I seem to have lost my phone number, can you do the same?
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.
Are you a sorcerer? Because everyone else vanishes when I look at you.
What's an inmates favorite food? Cellery.
When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.
Classic rook-y mistake.
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
Did you hear about the werewolf who got invited to the dance?
He really wanted to go, but the upcoming full moon was giving him paws.
Knock, knock,
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
Excuse me, do you happen to have a Band-Aid? ‘Cause I scraped my knees falling for you.
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
Which color is the fastest?
Red, because it is always redy.
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