ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
Thank you for helping me. Biscuit’s the yeast I could do.
When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
Am I in the advanced class? Because I like to go hard.
How do you wash a horse?
On a sponge-line.
Do you want to know what you get when you cross a newborn snake with a basketball? Really! Ooh you will end up with a bouncing baby boa.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
I’m like planet Neptune. I’m attracted to the gravitational pull from Uranus since it is so big, and I cannot lie.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
I'll be Burger King and you be McDonald's. I'll have it my way, and you'll be lovin' it.
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!
What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.
Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
Why did the beaver stop cutting down trees?
The work gave him gnawsea
Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.
What fruit do vampire bats like the best?
Neck-tarines.
Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
He was declared to be in Seine.
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
Are you from Stockholm? Cause you're the Swedish girl I've ever seen.
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
Hey, girl. Are you a soccer player? Because yuo look like you can play ball even without hands.
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
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