My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
Why did the lion cross the road? Because he saw a zebra-crossing...
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.
(Anthony Gallagher)
A priest is the best catch for a tiger as they like to prey.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?
So he could get crow cane from his vet.
You should go in the water, cuz you're so hot you're on fire!
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
What do horses eat with their salad? Dressage-ing.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
Everyone wondered why Cinderella was such a bad player. If only they knew, her coach was a pumpkin.
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
What do a mommy bee and a daddy bee make when they have alone time?
A babe-bee.
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
Unicycle? Girl! How about U-‘n’-I cycle?
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
Where did the milk write everything about her life? In her dairy.
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
What did Earth say to the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.
He’s really embraced remote learning.
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
I think you just tripped me, 'cause I just fell for you.
My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!
"Beat it." — Michael Jackson, "Beat It"
My heart is as desolate as Saskatchewan without you.
When a Minotaur considers himself an optimist is it that he sees his glass as half-bull?
What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people?
A cannibble.
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
How do you know flowers are friendly?
They always have new buds!
What is the name of the onion ring that cannot but be funny? It is a Funyon!
Sorry if I seem shy or nervous around you,
I have a bit of phobia, I'm afraid of attractive people like you.
You are shrimply the best!
What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
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