What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
What happened when the koala tripped and fell in a crowded restaurant? He got embearassed.
Swallowing a cherry stone is not the end of the world. It’s just one of life’s little pitfalls.
Why did the belt get arrested? Because he held up a pair of pants. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
A robot is eating a hard drive for lunch.
The robot's friend asks for a bite and the robot says "Sure, but just a small bite." His friend takes a bite and the robot shouts, "Hey! That's a megabyte!"
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
My son claims that he identifies as an ancient Greek string instrument.
Frankly, I think he's a lyre.
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
How does a Spanish dog say Merry Christmas?
Feliz navi-dog.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
Young goats should be careful when they're out and and about and shouldn't jump into a stranger's car.
That's how you get kidnapped.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
How does a horse get a suit fitted?
With a tail-or.
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
Is this room hot or it’s just you?
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
Tropic like it's hot.
I’m not an astronomer, but I still promise to give you the sun, moon, and stars.
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
Why did the tree go to the dentist? To get a root canal.
Why was the beaver not arrested when he jumped into the Nile? Because he was a juve'nile.
You're as classy as the first Pan Am flight.
How does Toucan Sam wear a belt?
He puts it through his loops
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
What's a frog's favorite flower?
A croakus.
There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
Honey if I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put the letters "DON'T LOVE" in between I and U
Why did the detective lose his second job at the airport?
He kept cracking cases.
Did you invent the airplane? Because you seem Wright for me!
Your Ph factor must be 14 because you’re the most basic need in my life right now.
I slipped some Great Barrier Reefers in yur drink.
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I’d be in a higher tax bracket.
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.
Let's hang out sometime. You bring your beaker and I'll bring my stirring rod.
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
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