Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
Oh me, oh Jeremiah, that is one great face you have there
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
If we raced, I would let you win, so I could get a good view from the back.
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
The police officer only had soups for dinner. He was a soup-erintendent.
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
What kind of croc hangs out in back passages around town?
An Alley-gator.
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.
The success in this sport is not how you bowl, but how you roll.
What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
I asked my Italian grandfather if the rougher parts of Italy were called the spaghetto.
His look was pasty.
When the rainbow decided to speak out at the meeting of all weathers, someone said 'Look hue's talking.'
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
"Swarm."
What did God say to the polar bears when they told him they hate spring and summer?
Well, they can't all be winters.
Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom.
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
How do cows intake water?
by Osmoosis.
It is now a universal truth that actions speak louder than coaches.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
Have you ever driven a boat? Try to park it on my dock.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.
What did the deer say after he finished eating?
“That was deer-licious!”
How do you make a rabbit float? Put soda, syrup, and milk into a glass. Add one rabbit.
What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”
What did the upright bass say to the nervous guitar?
“You’re too high strung, don’t fret.”
The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."
Falling in love with you takes less time than my DNA takes to replicate.
If you were a burger at McDonald's, you'd be named McStunning.
Footballers love one specific type of tea; penal-tea.
Go to BabaMail
