I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
Wow, You must be the pretty princess the evil queen is trying to get rid of.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
A cheese factory exploded in France...
da brie is everywhere.
What's a goat's favorite organ?
A Kid-ney
What has 36 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? My zipper.
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
Where my prose at?
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed
They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.
Can I be Candide with you?
What do you call a witch who drives badly?
A road hag.
What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”
- Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today?
- Not much, just working on my Theseus.
If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
Just found out they make adult race car beds so I bought one.
That way I can be fast asleep.
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry."
How about dinner?
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
I’ve always wanted to be a farmer’s wife.
I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
"Now he's just some bunny that I used to know."
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During APE-ril showers.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
We should get coffee sometime, because I like you a latte.
I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
I see we’re both doing Pigeons!
What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan?
Taco Bell.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
Haida there, gorgeous.
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
My fridge is hotter than you.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
Baby, you remind me of my spice cabinet - cuz you got a fine grind going on.
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?
- Jim Slaughter
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