“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.
Talk Abbottabad place to hide.
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
"Halfway Down"
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!
– A. A. Milne
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
Hey Pumpkin, I just wanted to say that I'm done with having Halloween every day.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
Can I take your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.
How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
You are the coffee to my espresso and I love you a latte.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
What are you doing for the rest of your afterlife?
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Are you from Stockholm? Cause you're the Swedish girl I've ever seen.
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
You're so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
I wanna tell a joke about a girl who eats plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
What is the greeting that Korean onions tell each other when they meet in the streets? They say 'Onion-Haseyo'.
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
Your angles must be less than 90 degrees because I think that you are so acute.
We've been driving all day, I need a brake.
My suitcase started crying when I picked it up. I was carrying emotional baggage.
What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.
I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
Hey, can I get your number so I can use you as an alibi?
Darling, I never want you to leaf me.
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
I was trying to think of a good pun for your name, but I can’t think of Jack
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
Are you a cigarette?
Because when I'm done with your butt I'm gonna throw it away.
What do you call a Mexican bear with a rubber toe?
Robearto.
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