Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible
Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
Why didn’t the flower get a second date?
He was garden variety.
I have been saying "mucho" more often while talking to my Hispanic friends
It means a lot to them.
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? Because he's a fun-gi.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
What would a crow wear to the Halloween party? A crown!
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
You’re just like the black line at the bottom of the pool– I’d be lost without you.
You can put your hands at my heart’s center.
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
What do the guys at the ski repair shop eat their lunch on?
Baseplates.
Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.
- Natasha Niemi
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Where do ghosts play volleyball at? At the volleyball corpse.
Why don’t we use some Fourier analysis on our relationship and reduce to a series of simple periodic functions?
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw?
Because they don’t know how to cook it.
Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.
Knock, knock
Who’s There?
Annie
Annie Who?
Annie thing you can do, I can do better.
What is a cat’s favorite class at school? Hiss-tory!
As a flower cannot blossom without sunshine, I cannot survive without your love.
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
Why did the sloth get fired from his job? He would only do the BEAR minimum.
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
"Stop and smell the rosé."
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
You know, I don't need energy bars to keep me going.
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
What do you call it when a raven marries a crow? A conspiracy to commit to murder.
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
I used to believe in natural theology, but since I met you I've converted to divine revelation.
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
The local motorway has become blocked after a truck shed it's load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes.
Police say the traffic is pretty stationery...
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Kenya
Kenya who?
Kenya guess who is it?
What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
Ah, I always knew all Alexanders were Great
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