Are you a mountain climber? ‘Cause you really peaked my interest.
What's easy to get into but hard to get out of? Trouble
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
Why was the picture of the dog sent to jail?
Because it was framed.
You mermaid to go far.
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
Dominic Pick-Up Lines
"Exclamation!"
I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!
They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!
It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!
Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!
As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?
(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)
– Fiona Halliday
What's green and hangs from trees? Dinosaur snot.
How do the Skywalkers like their bath water?
Luke-warm.
Colors laugh by saying, "Hue Hue Hue."
Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.
Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write.
My father got a new laptop, and it is now like the baby computer of the house, so we refer to the older laptop as the 'Data'.
Wanna go out sometime? I’d consider it an Er-win if you said yes.
"No eggs-cuses."
Do you like math? No? Me neither. In fact, the only number I care about is yours.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.
One mermaid said to the other, "I love your shell bracelet, can I Triton?"
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
Are you that note I messed up? Because I can’t stop thinking about you.
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
If anyone gets a suspicious email from me about canned meat, don’t open it. It’s spam!
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
You make me more excited than gifts under a Christmas tree.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
Date me and all of your problems will be polygone.
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