Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
"Over-easy like Sunday morning."
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
Which candy do astronauts like? Marsbar.
Someone vandalized my keyboard leaving only 1 button.
Surprisingly, the police were more thorough in the investigation than I expected. They even asked to see my colon.
Once you finish deep breathing, do you want to start panting?
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
What’s a werewolf’s favorite nighttime story?
A hairy tail!
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
I'm doing yoga tonight but I rather be doing you.
Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
I think we may have been transported to the surface of Mercury because things became unbelievably hot when you walked into the room.
All punts are highly intended
What do llamas always say when they introduce themselves?
“Fleeced to meet you.”
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
Why do Bigfoots like to tell jokes?
Because they're killer comedians.
Girl, you are the spark that lights my fire.
---
Come on, I’ll give you a tour of my tent...
Hey Audrey, Audreyly like to take you out
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
Where do rocks like to sleep?
In bedrocks!
What does a flower do when they get caught in a lie?
Backpetal.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
Man: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
Woman: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? The chicken hadn't evolved yet!
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this?
Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
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