What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?
My hand.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
What four letters will frighten a burglar? O I C U Where does bad light go? To prism!
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
Q: How is hurricane season like Christmas?
A: At some point, there’s going to be a tree inside your house.
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
What is a car’s favourite bug?
A beetle.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
I just got an adorable baby goat, but it can’t bend its legs.
The vet said it’s a cute kid knee disorder.
What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
Why was the pun a bad comedian?
He never got the pun-chline right!
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?
4X4.
Baby, you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems.
What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
Your beauty is like Pi, never-ending.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
What did the ghost say to the bee
“BOOBEE”
Careful of that Earl Grey, it’s super hot! Oh wait, you don’t need to worry. It’s not as hot as you.
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
There are many grounds religious children can practice their soccer skills. However, most of them love the prayground.
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.
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