Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.
My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.
Why don't you want to sleep in the sheep pen?
It would be total bedlam!!
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
Never has there been a more romantic story than how those two geologists met.
It was lava at first sight.
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
A lump of red leather, a red leather lump.
Burst into cheers!
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
To me, you’re just like hydrogen because you’re number 1!
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
Some people think prison is one word… but to criminals it’s the whole sentence.
A female sheep and a couple of aggressive birds are sitting on the veranda. What language do they speak?
Porchewegeese.
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
I'd catalog you with the cookbooks because you look delicious.
Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
What do ghouls say to each other before heading out for Halloween?
May the ghouls be with you!
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
I think I glove you.
As a flower cannot blossom without sunshine, I cannot survive without your love.
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
Emphysema puffs pink, chronic bronchitis makes you blue, but no COPD makes me as breathless as you!
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
You’re under arrest for not giving me your number.
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
I really can't finish a box of strawberries all by myself, Would you like to share with me over some wine?
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
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