Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
Love me till ice cream.
Q: What is the opposite of a cold front?
A: A warm back
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
I am looking for a leash-free relationship.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
Elizabeth has eleven elves in her elm tree.
What did the sea say to the river? You can run but you can't tide.
Is there something in your eye? Oh, wait, it's just a sparkle.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive.
Olive, who?
Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it!
I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it is just not as big. (wink wink where my curvy booties at?!)
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
Let's Taco about love.
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
When everyone agreed with Hulk at breakfast that they love waffles more, he said, "Not all heroes wear crepes."
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
On Halloween night, the walking dead clones
Shuffle around with mumbled grunts and groans
But have no fear
When they come near
They would rather die, than turn off their phones!
Hey I hope you don’t mind me messaging you… something about you just seemed very Amy-cable
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought “I’m not going to take this sitting down”.
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn, and twit an twat, to learn the letter "T".
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
I’ve always loved the name Alexandra. Should I call you Alexandra, Alex, Lexie, or mine?
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