What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
Who is the most famous actor in Greece ?
John Travolta.
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.
Why did the horse like her new backpack?
The straps were adju-stable.
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
What month does every tree dread? Sept-timmmberrr!
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
I’m a 30-60-90 triangle and you’re a 40-40-90 triangle – we’re just right for each other.
What did Detective Duck say to his partner?
“Let’s quack this case.”
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
Deja brew all over again.
Your name must be Calculus Homework, because I have no interest in doing you.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
Girl I just gotta get you. Call it animal instinct.
What kind of hotdogs do ghouls like best?
Halloweiners!
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
Up until now, I always thought that all the cool mice would get together and live in my mousepad. Now when I know the truth, I feel quite broken.
According to the multiverse theory, there’s at least one universe where we end up together. Do you want this universe to be one of them?
Why was the marathon runner plucked out of the race and taken away to jail?
For resisting a rest.
What did Dracula say to the priest who visited his castle?
Don’t you ever cross me!
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
What do horses eat with their salad? Dressage-ing.
What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
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