Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
Why do I want raisins when you are my only grape? Let's have some wine.
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
What does the sun drink out of?
Sunglasses!
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
It is said that crows and owls are in caw-hoots.
She acts like summer and walks like rain.
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
What do dogs like to drink? Kit-Tea.
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.
Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
Why did the panda’s joke suck?
It was unbearable.
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!
Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist?
Because it needed a filling.
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
Your earrings are the mirrors that reflect the moonlight into your eyes.
What did one lightbulb say to the other lightbulb on Valentine’s Day?
I love you watts.
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
I was trying to come up with a witty pun but my brain was like Han,nah
Are you a singularity? Not only are you attractive, but the closer I get to you, the faster time seems to slip by.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
What do you call a happy penguin?
A penGRIN.
Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
You’re the gravy to my turkey.
Before the Koalaville basketball team can play for the national championship, they have to make it through the koalafying rounds.
Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.
A star athlete in Koalaville got kicked off the Olympic team for cheating. Unfortunately, he was diskoalafied.
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
I can’t find a costume for Halloween, so can I just go as your boyfriend?
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
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