What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
Heisenberg was wrong. I'm certain about what you're doing tonight.
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
Just call me milk. I'll do your body good.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What do you get if you cross a wasp with a doorbell?
A hum-dinger!
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
One of my friends who hates crows, looked at a flock of crows, I saw murder in his eyes.
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
Q: How did the tiger perform during the show?
A: He was a roaring success.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
If I was an enzyme, I'd be helicase so I could unzip your genes.
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
Are you a fidget spinner? Because the last time I had fun with you was forever ago and I’m not really interested in touching you anymore. I’m pretty sure you were just a phase and now I’d really like to get you out of my house and forget it ever happened.
What do you get when you cross Ice, chocolate, a big strawberry, a giant pineapple, and cold milk? The worlds best Sundae!
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
Is your name Summer? It has to be, because you're hot!
Where do ghosts go trick or treating? Dead ends.
What is a baker’s favorite type of icing?
Fawn-dant.
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
If you have a parrot, it says a lot about you!
Hold still, there's a mosquito on your a$$.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Accordion
Accordion who?
Accordion to the forecast, it's going to rain tonight.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Avenue.
Avenue who?
Avenue knocked on this door before?
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
What a werewolf movie, talk about howling!
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
Why is it so hard for people with asthma to have exciting dates?
The last thing you want is someone to take your breath away!
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
"Whale, what do we have here?" said the mermaid.
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
Who is a Yeti's favorite Dracula actor?
Christobrr Lee.
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