I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
What did the man do when he dropped his violin?
He quartet...
What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Cant Touch This?”
An M.C. Hammerhead.
Let me be a chicken nugget, and take a dip in your sauce.
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts.
Are you a baker? ‘Cause those buns look TASTY.
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
I bet you’re Ethan better in person
I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?
What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
Everyone said the wind was powerful. So, I went outside and was blown away.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
Who puts money under a deer’s pillow when they lose a tooth?
The hoof fairy.
What is a favorite game for ghouls?
Chase!
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.
Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.
Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.
Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.
(M. Tarun Prasad)
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