Hey baby, let me take you on a trip around the world.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
What did the prehistoric Greeks call their goddess of love?
Troglodite.
This is snow laughing matter!
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?
A furricane
What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
Well, there are mixed reviews. People say the food is great. But there is no atmosphere or ambience.
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."
I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..
I didn't see that coming.
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
Listen to them, children of the night. Let’s give them some competition.
I taught a dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
We went from Barking to Tooting in 20 minutes!
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Al.
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open the door.
What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
People say nothing rhymes with orange. It seems very strange to me.
I loaf you a lot.
Let’s go to bread.
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
"Slicing Salami"
The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!
– Denise Rodgers
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
Buckle up! It is time for re-entry.
The best way to get back at someone is to push them in the snow; after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
Go to BabaMail
