What do you call an emergency in the spring?
May day.
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!
What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
Deaf mute gets new hearing
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
Did you hear about the new Wifi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
What’s a tree’s favorite dating site?
Timber.
The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
Why did the Easter bunny fire the duck?
He kept quacking all the eggs.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
What do ghouls say to each other before heading out for Halloween?
May the ghouls be with you!
What's worse than a SPIDER on your PIANO?
CRAB on your ORGAN.
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
What’s a llama’s favorite movie?
Alpacalypse Now.
What do you get if you cross a talking parrot with a gorilla?
I am not sure but if he says something you better damn well listen.
You are the sun that never sets on the British empire.
A car company tried to make a submarine, but it kept surfacing too quickley
The crew got the Mercedes-Bends
Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
What do you call it when a pig loses its memory? Hamnesia.
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.
What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
Give me some pigskin
I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow.
When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!
Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy...
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!
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