Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
I went on a mission trip and all I ended up doing was mission you.
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
What country has the most birds?
Turkey.
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
When I see you, I feel like I am going to reach my melting point.
Easter dinner was great today
We made sure it had all the crucifixins'.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a 🍲. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
Where do football players go shopping in the offseason? The tackle shop.
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room.
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
I’m throwing a COVID-19 party this weekend.
None of you are invited.
National Herbs and Spices Day is celebrated annually on June 10.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"
What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.
If I told you that you have a wonderful antibody, would you hold it against me?
Girl are we doing high altitude training because you just took my breath away!
Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum? Because they can't afford new ones!
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?
Pork Chop
Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.
Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren
Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
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