Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
Why did the hard drive crash?
Because it had a bad driver.
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
Are you a banana because I find you a peeling.
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
There once was a lovely young witch,
Who never wore a single stitch;
One Halloween night,
She gave quite a fright,
To some hags who had gathered in a ditch.
Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
I only have ice for you.
The next round the wolf showed up at the butchery, he was arrested. This is because he was being tracked by the police for chop lifting.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?
The Cherokees.
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
What do fish take to stay healthy?
Fish take Vitamin Sea to stay healthy!
Someone vandalized my keyboard leaving only 1 button.
Surprisingly, the police were more thorough in the investigation than I expected. They even asked to see my colon.
Just found a fly in my beer. I'm feeling buzzed.
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.
Did you hear the plum joke? A: It was pitiful.
Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!
My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.
She’s an Opthemallogist.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
You make miso happy.
The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
It's not you...it's your taste in music.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
Are you squiding me right now?
Everyone was spot on, you really did make a great theatre lighting tech.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
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