I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
You heard right: I only take off this mask for two things. Eating.
During the pandemic, all the children asked to draw pictures of the different types of grass. The children had to submit their grass-essments online.
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...
It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.
What is it like to get paid smoldering at the camera while wearing expensive clothes?
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
I'm actually way hotter than poutin.
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
I know that 70% of the human body is composed of H2O, but the tall drink of water I'm looking at is probably 97%.
Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
Do you have any sunscreen? 'Cause you are burning me up!
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
What do cars have on toast.
Butter and traffic jam.
Hey baby, do you have some bug spray? Because I have butterflies in my tummy.
Are you powdered sugar? Because you're sweet, and fine!
I'm considering becoming a cinematografur.
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark, you still seem to shine.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
Which condiment is a mouse’s favourite?
Mouse-tard.
Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
What’s a horse’s favorite animated movie?
Bolt.
Panda ghosts love to eat bam-boo.
You’re my lucky charm.
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss.
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
Did you know this mall has a movie theater? I just saw a preview of our life together. Looks pretty good!
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