My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
Hey, baby. I'm calling myself Han because you need to be Solo.
Is your nickname cream cheese? Because you’re about to get bageled.
What do you see? [Nothing]. That’s my life without you.
An army of werewolves is known as a Fur-eign Legion.
When the ghost blew his nose, lots of boo-gers came out.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
Q: What did the cloud say to the lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!
"Great minds drink alike."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
Everywhere’s a palace when I get to be with Alice
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
"You bake me crazy."
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?”
I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
"I now pronounce you dumped and single. You may now kiss my ass."
Are you the dog? Because your shit’s all over the lawn.
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
What do you call a werewolf escapologist?
Hairy Houdini.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Why was the penguin so annoying?
Because he was always fishing for complements.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
Why do seals have trouble eating bread?
Because they're seal-iacs.
It’s allergy season again?! You’ve got to be pollen my leg.
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!
Why was the robot mad? People kept pushing its buttons.
I personally think bunnies are ear-resistible.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea.
If you make a mistake of playing basketball with pigs, they will hog the ball.
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.
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