What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.
Are you an Advil? Cause I'd like to take you every 2-4 hours.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
Are you lonesome tonight? I can't help falling in love with you.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
What do you call a dinosaurs fart? "A blast from the past"
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
Busy buzzing bumble bees.
I was under the blues, so I had to blue my nose occasionally.
This love feels like floating endlessly in outer space and looking for your pretty lost smiles.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
What do moon people do after they get married?What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honeyearth.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
Would you call a hardy unicorn that survived disease an immunicorn?
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?.
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
Are you Charlotte Brönte? Because you're a breath of fresh Eyre.
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
How do gorillas get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
Would you like to come to my quarters tonight for some toast?
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
Every piece of you is sweet.
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
Where do crabs invest their money?
A sea bank.
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
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