Which dog won the race? A weiner dog.
What is a dog’s favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas.
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror!
You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don't eat with your mouth full!
What do you call an evil lemon?
Sour On
Why aren’t trees competitive sports fans? They like to root for everyone.
As I only have two factors, I’m the prime candidate for you.
What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I would be holding a galaxy.
What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells…
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
What do you call a small Minotaur?
A Minitaur.
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
Winter is here, weather you like it or not.
What do you call a basketball team that cries after they lose the game?
A bawl club.
Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
Roses are red, violets are blue. In all this land, there’s no lady fairer than you.
Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.
I used to fear giants.
Now I look up to them.
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
What is it called when a witch only casts spells that rhyme?
Poetry in Potion.
Are you made of beryllium, gold, and titanium? Because you are BeAuTi-ful.
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
I was trying to think of a good pun for your name, but I can’t think of Jack
It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.
What's your hurry, baby? I Just want to take things Oslo.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There were players on the other side.
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
What cheese cries the most?
Babybel.
Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
Are you undressing me with your eyes?!
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder.
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
The superconductor left without resistance.
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