Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert!
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?
Hi, my name is Will. God's Will.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
What does the pope eat during lent? Holy mackerel!
Girl, you make my crotch rise from the dead
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles
What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.
My friend told me all about his friend's girlfriend who was playing saxophone.
Apparently she was a saxy lady.
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
Girl give me a chance and I will show you a world of our own where spell of love began and our hearts become one
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
What kind of cats love to go bowling? Alley cats!
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
Are you a firework?! Because your lighting up my eyes.
What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
"Partners in wine."
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
Why did the pig break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was a boar.
Which country hates Thanksgiving?
Turkey
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
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