If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
Ten after one.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
How did Sam win the talent show? Sam-sung.
Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
What do you call a small mosque in Spain?
A mosquito!
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.
What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? Dino-mite.
What kind of makeup do zombies wear?
Mas-scare-a.
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Looking for some hunka hunka burning love?
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
Please, please me
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Are you a practice room? Because I want you and I hope you're not taken
The khaki in my shirt brings out the color in your eyes.
How do rabbits travel?
On hareplanes!
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
Do you know what I did last night? I put Easter eggs in a heart shape for you to find!
Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.
Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf taught!
One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.
Avoid pier pressure.
It is not really much about how you bowl, but instead how you roll.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
Driving a truck carrying cutlery is easy – as soon as you see the fork in the road, you know you’re there.
What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
What is an unlimited phone plan? A limit cannot be charged.
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
What do you call a baby lion on lettuce?
Cub Salad.
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be what they call ‘FINE PRINT’!
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
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