The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Goose
Goose who?
Goose who's knocking at your door again!
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
Why didn’t Guns N Roses turn up for the gig when it was snowing?
Axel Froze.
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
The bowling solder decided to launch a pre-emptive strike.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
What superhero takes public transportation to get around? Bus Lightyear.
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
Why are Ghosts in such good shape? Plenty of exorcise and a good die-t.
Luca here, I’m just going to cut to the chase and ask if you want to get a drink with me
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!
If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Beaver Y.
Beaver Y. who?
Bea-ver-y quiet, you are in a library.
What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.
Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?
A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
How does a penguin make pancakes?
With its flippers.
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
Dad: "Knock, knock!" Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
I bet you’re really flexible.
What is a penguin racing driver’s favourite part of the car?
The Eggs-celerator.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
The tiger came went to the salon. Now, other animals of the jungle call him 'Shaved Khan.'
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
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