Are you a Victoria's Secret model? Because heaven's missing an Angel.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
What did the trees wear when they went to a pool party? Swimming trunks.
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
Why did the worm leave the Apple?
Because Noah said to travel in pairs
Anaerobic respiration reminds me of how you take my breath away.
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.
Girls just wanna have sun.
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
Someone left their tea on my desk. It smells so good, but I won't drink it. That's just not my cup of tea.
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
This year I'm carving my pumpkin to look like an intricate ball of rope, so it can be a gourd-ian knot.
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
Would you like to upsize your meal and get my number for free today?
What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
Hey, I don’t know what you think of me but I hope it’s X-rated.
If you ask me if I love you I'll have to plead the 5th. Don't want to incriminate myself.
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
The plant was tired of being boring.
It has decided to turn over a new leaf.
"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.
"You need a bandana, not a banana!"
I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake!
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
You like curling? Check out me curling my biceps!
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hoo.
Hoo who?
Are you an owl?
Without you, I’d disintegrate.
Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.
How do cows intake water?
by Osmoosis.
My friend, who's a geneticist and a rapper crossed a gorilla with an orang utan
That's his new mixed ape.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put ewe and I together.
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