My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.
He threw three free throws.
What a is ghoul’s favorite pet?
Ghoulfish!
Why did the Platanus occidentalis have to go to the doctor more than the other trees? Because it was always sycamore.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for dinner.
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
Can I take your temperature? You’re looking hot today.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror!
Do you know hop? Because your body is really kickin'.
Hi, I see that you're new to this gym, and I wanna be the first male to bother you.
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
Can I claim your baggage?
What does the mushroom say to his lover? – “I have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”
"Will you accept this rosé?"
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
How are trumpets like pirates?
They both murder in the high C’s.
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
Why does Mr. Potato Head have a mobile?
In case Mr. Onion rings.
Girl: Your ex is so attractive
Boy: Which one?
Girl: ME. Goodbye.
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
Let's make some sweet music together, honey
The game of golf is 90-percent mental…
And 10-percent mental.
Lost at sea? I'm not shore.
Woke up with sweats afraid I'd contracted the corona virus...
Changed into jeans and was all good.
I wish you were on the football team because I'd love to see your backfield in motion.
Why are worms so easy to get along with?
Because they are always down to Earth.
What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
I just want you to know: I think you're El Salvadorable.
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
Did you hear the horse and the pig are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship.
Mermaids always drink mermosas.
I’m very frond of you.
Why does your grandma like wine so much?
Because at her age, she needs glasses!
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but trilobites still exist, right?
I love meat. I think going vegetarian would be a big missed steak.
This is too cliché, dear, but this is what I really feel, I love you to the moon and back.Copy0
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