I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
She's a grammy winner!
Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.
Which search engine is popular amongst mice? Ask Cheese.
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
What do you call a ghoul who sits too close to the fire?
A toasty ghosty.
I think my heart just lagged.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
How about we drop the gloves and go at it?
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
Forget about Spider man, Batman, or Superman. I’ll be your man.
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
Some types of meat like to play around a lot. These are generally the game types.
Is it a full moon? Because I feel a tidal pull toward your heavenly body.
Would you sit on my feet while I do push ups?
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
That elliptical isn't the only thing getting my heart rate up…
Call me Kathleen Wynne ‘cause I’d spend all my money on you.
Can we still share a netflix account?
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk
Call me on the shellphone.
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
"Adulting makes me wine."
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
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