Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.
My dads astronaut friend ate pizza in space
He said it was out of this world.
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
Gnomes don’t understand jokes, they go right over their heads.
Strawberries are considered to be the most bullied fruits because they're always getting picked on.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts.
What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
What did the Wife say to the Husband?
You are exhausting!
Wanna go explore some celestial bodies together?
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
Can you do sign language?
I wish I knew how to sign because I don't think any spoken words can describe how beautiful you are.
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
What type of pool do mechanics like best?
The car pool!
You need to go out on a date with me right now. Alex-plain later
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
There was a vampire named Vlad
The Village all thought he was bad
But the true story
Just wasn't gory
It turns out Vlad was just sad.
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
How do eggs get around?
On a s-egg-way.
"Have a hoppy Easter."
Go to BabaMail
