"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
What would a crow wear to the Halloween party? A crown!
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
What do you do if you find a blue Ichthyosaur ? Cheer him up!
What do you call a guitar used to play pool?
A cue stick.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.
What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Brrrr – itos.
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
If you golf on election day…
Be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I’ve seen a whale blubber.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
Your beauty is a singularity. The force of attraction between us is so powerful.
What cheesy dip do deer love to eat?
Fawn-due.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road?
Poultry in motion.
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.
Hey there cyclist, is that your kickstand, or are you just happy to see me?
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
.
Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.
Are you a sorcerer? Because everyone else vanishes when I look at you.
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
Sheep have a clever way of keeping all their four feet warm in the winter; they wear muttons.
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