Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
Why do zombies only date intelligent women?
They just love a woman with brains.
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Red wasn't feeling very well for the past few weeks. He has been diagnosed with scarlet fever.
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
French, French Revolution
What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.
Santa's Short Suit Shrunk
Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
If Moses were alive today, why would he be considered a remarkable man?
Because he would be several thousand years old.
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
What do you call a group of lions partying on ships in Gibraltar?
A strait pride parade.
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
"You're not Mr. Right.... just Mr. Right Now."
I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy,
but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
How does a penguin get around?
By icicle.
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
What's a goblins favorite dinner?
Ghoulash.
I’m soy into you.
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?
Long time, no sea.
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
Can’t Lucy how perfect a date with me could be?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
"Say you'll be wine."
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
How do knights communicate?
They use chain mail.
What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
Which baseball player makes the best pancakes?
The batter.
How do mares keep track of their boyfriends?
A stud book.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
I know my shot was in. But I won’t argue, because I’m not up for the challenge.
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