What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!
What do you get when you cross a Sheepdog with a jelly?
The collie wobbles.
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
You are the sun that never sets on the British empire.
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch.
He could binomial.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.
But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.
So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
There’s a big thunderstorm. The road is blocked by a big mudslide. A little boy asks his dad, “Why does earth fall down like that?”
His dad answers, “It’s terrain.”
Strawberries love to travel. Their favorite mode of transport is the wind-jam-mer.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
"Humor is reason gone mad."
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it.
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
You look like my future ex wife.
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
Why did the orange help the old lady cross the road?
To do a random act of rindness.
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write.
You read, white, and blew my mind.
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
What did the thrifty man say when he got his phone bill? "Who says talk is cheap?"
Cows get sad whenever they hear the songs of the pop band 'The Mooooo-dy Blues!'
"Happy eggster."
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
Why was the pig given a red card at the football game?
For playing dirty.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
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