It’s not often that you find an eye anywhere but on the face. Cows, however, have a rib eye.”

Baby, when you're near me my heart beats like a hedgehog's. That's about 300 beats a minute.

What do you call a parrot without feathers? Bald!

How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.

"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."

The frequency of bad physics puns on this category...

It hertz.

“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote

My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision

Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.

Q. What happened when the computer geeks met?
A. It was love at first site!

“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.

Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!

"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers

What does the parrot get at the end of a restaurant meal? The bill!

"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin

Wanna make out in my Tundra Buggy?

Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.

I'm gonna be on you like alligator on wildebeest.

What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
Star Warts.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you obviously landed on your face.

Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.

What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking

What did the mama elf say to her mischievous child?
“Stop elvesdropping on Santa!”

Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner

What happened when the beer got divorced?
It became bitter.

What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.

When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”

Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.

Sorry, I've lost my number.
May I get yours?

What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.

Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.

"The Theoretic Turtle"

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

– Amos R. Wells

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Just in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by.

What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flaminghost.

“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous

Are you a keyboard ? Because you are my type.

It’s pretty plane and simple… I really think we could take off.

Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.

Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.

Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.

Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you

Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.

What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).

Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the Woodpecker would peck 'er.

My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day, he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

The reason why bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.

"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama

What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.