“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.
You can toast my marshmallows anytime.
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
Roses are red, violets are blue, I ain't no poet, but neither are you.
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
Why did the volleyball player get sent to jail? Because he was set up.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
We can share my yoga mat so we can become one.
Why do grizzlies never look sad?
Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.
I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
Sorry for not saying 'Bless You', it already seems that you are.
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
Cutie, you must be a red blood cell because you take the oxygen away from my lungs and send it straight to my heart.
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
Why did the lion cross the road? Because he saw a zebra-crossing...
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
What happens before it rains candy? It sprinkles.
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
Real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
You might not be America, but I found a whole new world with you.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
I don't normally like girls who wear red coats. But, for you I'll make an exception.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
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