What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
Can I tie your shoes? I don’t want you falling for anyone else.
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
Because pepper always makes them sneeze.
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? Pillowcases.
Everyone was spot on, you really did make a great theatre lighting tech.
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
Why couldn’t the dragon eat his birthday cake?
He destroyed it while trying to blow out the candles.
How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep
Each Easter Eddie eats eighty Easter eggs.
What do you get for diving into a wave of oranges.
Vitamin Sea.
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
Call me Kathleen Wynne ‘cause I’d spend all my money on you.
What’s the most expensive kind of fish?
A gold fish.
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
After his teeth were cleaned, the werewolf ate the dentist.
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.
Woah, that attractive field of yours is pulling me in! By any chance, are you a Van de Graaff generator?
Did you hear about the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster!
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's out of business. And, speaking of Hershey's, how about a kiss?
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather
I’m no Thomas Paine, but you and I are Common Sense.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
What do birds like to put in their soup? Crow-tons.
I'm learning about important dates in history. Wanna be in one of them?
I “lub” you.
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
Knock knock. Who's there?
You're.
You're who?
You're single again.
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
Hey baby, the sun is not the only thing that rises.
The best punishment to give orange kids is getting them canned. This is the only way to prevent them from going bad.
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