What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.
What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.
“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
If I had a nickel for every time I saw someone as beautiful as you, I’d still only have five cents.
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A meltdown!
Do you believe in love at first set? Or should I curl this barbell another 10 times?
Kicking Baby Considered Healthy
Have you checked in yet? Because I've been check-in you out all day.
I'm no photographer but I can picture us together.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
My love for you is so strong it can’t be dialyzed.
Who called it a goat petting zoo...
and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind?
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
What happened when the tiger ate the comedian?
He felt funny!
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
Was your guacamole salad good?
Yes, it was avocado this world.
Were you raised in captivity? Because you captured my heart.
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow? Nothing, it was feeling blue.
Is your vocal range tenor? Because if there were tenor (ten of) you Iwould be very happy.
What do you call a werewolf who doesn't know he's a werewolf ?
Unawarewolf.
Your beauty warms and lights up these frozen surroundings.
Let’s go to my place. I’d like to show you my puck collection.
What do you call a person really crazy about the moon
A lunatic.
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
I think there’s something wrong with my eye. I can’t take them off of you.
An Australian army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.
There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
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