Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?
Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
There is nothing impaws-sible if you’re as brave as a tiger!
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
The art teacher encourages her students to move in the light direction.
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Holly
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!
What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.
What happens if the Grim Reaper spikes the ball? You have to dig your own grave.
If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
Q. How do you describe a stinking filthy buck?
A. Deer-ty.
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
Vampires make awful businessmen. They just can't deal with the stakeholders.
My wife has been giving me a hard time about my drinking. Eventually, I agreed to quit cold turkey.
Never cared for leftovers anyway.
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
The furniture store saleswoman keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand.
If we cross lobster bisque and Elon Musk, what we have is a soup-er car
What is a mountains favorite type of candy?
Snow caps.
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
They say that Disney World is "the happiest place on earth".
They've obviously never been in your arms.
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fangs
Fangs who?
Fangs for letting me in!
How much does a polar bear weight? Enough to break the ice!
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
What is a sharks favorite kinda sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish!
When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!
Wanna go out sometime? I think we’d have Avery fun time together
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
What's the name of the machine the ancient greeks used to calculate how best to fight hybrid monsters?
The antichimera mechanism.
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"
What’s a dog’s favorite condiment?
Fetch-up.
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
Do you know Santa?
Because you're not what I wanted for Christmas.
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