It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
Is that the sun coming up?
Or is it just you lighting up my world?
My Cobra pose isn't the only thing that's rising upward.
What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
How do pink birds make friends? They fla-mingle.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?
Sir Ramic.
How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.
Which city do hamsters live in?
Hamsterdam.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
Are you made of apples? Cause you sure look sweet as pie.
You can stop running after your dreams. I am right here.
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
If you think a meteor is hard, you should see what you are doing to my missile.
Are you Charlotte Brönte? Because you're a breath of fresh Eyre.
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
What did the snowman order at the fast food restaurant?
An ice burger extra cheese.
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
Hey baby, you’ve captured my eye. Could I have it back?
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
I’d like to throw away my old can, but my pusher friend here says he loves junk balls.
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
Is your name Pepsi? Because you sure are sizzling.
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
What do you call a liquid kangaroo?
Marsoupial.
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