Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
Why are horses so good at the shooting range?
They’re hunters.
I feel like a Christmas tree when you talk to me because I light up.
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.
Would Gretzky have changed his name in order to play in Mexico?
Yes, The Great Juan did what it takes.
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
While the blues musician performed his most famous song, balloons of every color were released in the arena. Guess we may get to call it the 'House of Hues'.
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
What does a person with Covid like to drink?
Coughy.
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because you get picked up by random guys on the bus.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
How did they punish the longshoreman whose improper ship mooring caused the destruction of a pier?
They docked his pay.
I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.
How do you plan to shell-ebrate the New Year?
When one tree asked another how it was doing in November, it replied, "I am pine!"
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
I think, therefore I’m single.
One-one was a race horse. Two-two was one too. One-one won one race. Two-two won one too.
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
What do you call a sleeping werewolf?
An unaware-wolf.
I've removed all the black keys from my piano
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
Babe, there's a few tough road series coming up, but if we can make it through them, I'll know it's real.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
I'm going to start a business selling worms and Nintendo consoles
I'll call it "Bait and Switch."
I love you so much that If you were suddenly on fire, I'd pee on you.
What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
A photon turns up at check-in for a flight with no baggage. The check-in agent says "Traveling light?". He says "Yes, I am".
With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.
You must be mitochondria because you are the powerhouse of my heart.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
What did one boat say to the other boat?
Are you interested in a little row-mance?
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
Why did the deer get braces?
He had buck teeth.
Whale, hello there.
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
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