You feta have a gouda birthday.

Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.

“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”

I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.

Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.

What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A dirty kid!

If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U.
Because you’re blocking the TV.

What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.

An Australian army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.

There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run

What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!

On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor

Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply

I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming

In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'

Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?

- by Jenna Logan

What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.

There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.

[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein

Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.

Hey what’s your favourite dessert? Mine’s e-Clairs

What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.

Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.

Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.

I hate getting into arguments with farmers about the best methods for keeping crows away.
They always resort to straw man arguments.

What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.

Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.

Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.

Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.

The thought of you makes me redder than the sands at North Shore.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!

What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
---
You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!

Why did the worm leave the Apple?
Because Noah said to travel in pairs

My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.

Do you like science because I've got my ion you.

Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!

“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”

- Mary Bly.

Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!

"Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you"

Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?

Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”

Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.

How were these puns about puns?
They were pun-questionably pun-fortunate!

I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.

No one can accuse this trip of being plane.

If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.

Until I saw you, I didn't believe I'd ever see an arctic fox.

The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.

I received an award at work for being the most secretive employee.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.

What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.

Why don’t Alpacas like singing with background music?
They prefer to sing alpacapella.

A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"