Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common
No-one needed an ABBA cuss
Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.
That’s a nice Witch costume, but you won’t be needing the broom anymore, because you’ve already swept me off my feet.
What type of songs do planets sing?
Nep-Tunes.
Why was the big white tiger angry with his other Siberian tiger friend? Because he bleached him while grooming.
Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
Grasshoppers do not fancy soccer matches because most of them prefer cricket matches.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
Each Easter Eddie eats eighty Easter eggs.
I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
My boss has just fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
Oh well!! That's the end of my Korea.
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
Have you seen the new movie with the Dachshund?
Apparently it’s an Oscar Weiner.
Why are vampire families always so close knit?
Because blood is thicker than water.
I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
What did the nectarine boxer say to his opponent? "You want a peach of me?"
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
What's a flowing water with living organisms called?
A livestream.
What's the difference between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt?
Greek yogurt has a rich cultural history.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
Why do blues musicians tour the most in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
Jameson on St. Patrick’s Day? It’s worth a shot.
Can I borrow your library card? Cause I’m checking you out.
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
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