Hey, so how do you spell your name?
OK, and how do you spell your number?
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
If practice makes perfect and perfect needs practice, I’m perfectly practiced and practically perfect.
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
I sulfur when you argon.
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
What did the llama say when he found out he had been robbed?
“I’ve been fleeced!”
What do you call a goat that lip-syncs?
Billy Vanilli.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
"I mead more wine."
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Q: Why could the fruits not see anything?
A: It was peach black there.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
If you were a tree, you’d be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, want me to jump off this chairlift for you? 'Cause I think I could fall for you.
They call me Ace, because you just got served.
I can turn your software into hardware.
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fangs
Fangs who?
Fangs for letting me in!
Easter and April Fools fall on the same day this year...
You could say it only happens once in a blue moon.
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
Why can't an IT guy keep a girlfriend?
He turns them all off and on again.
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
Go to BabaMail
