René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
What do you call a luxurious ant?
Decad-ant.
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
What did the koala radio host say before going on a commercial break? “We’re going to take a small paws for our sponsors.”
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
Why do hitters find it so hard to be productive when they are indoors? They always work on an angle to play outside.
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
Angel, I want to run all the way with you.
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa exactly what I want for Christmas?
What happens when you’re alone and you get too cold.
You’re totally ice-olated.
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
Wow, you have a the chin of Superman. I bet you could take a serious punch.
There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
I know you’ve turned me down before, but I’m asking for an extra shot.
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a llama?
A turtle-neck sweater.
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
"Dad, what's it called if I like both boys and girls," the buffalo said.
"I believe would be a bi-son," his father replied.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
"I mead more wine."
This is snow laughing matter!
How do you call stage diving at Oktoberfest?
Krautsurfing.
What did the pun say to his annoying colleague?
You're being pun-reasonable right now!
Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
Those aren't sugar plums dancing through my head, it's all you.
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
What do you call a goblin with an injured leg?
A hobblin' goblin.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.
Why wasn't the taxidermist invited to Thanksgiving dinner?
No one wanted to try his stuffing
What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.
Had beaver curry last night.
Bit like a normal curry, just a little otter.
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
Ommmm... let's meet up in our spirit form.
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
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