Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
Excuse me… Do these shoes make me look fast?
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
Hey, are you Oscar? Because I really want to win you...
Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel
What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem!
What do you call the Greek God of Mexican chickens?
Apollo
You’re just like the black line at the bottom of the pool– I’d be lost without you.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
Flamingos are great to go out with, because they all party like flock stars.
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
It wasn't til I studied Spanish as an adult that learned Spain discovered Canada.
As our teacher explained it, the first maps said "Acá, nada."
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
I sneezed in the bank today, it was the most attention I have received in the last 10 years.
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
I'm pine-ing for you.
What do you say when you are happy with how life has been weeks before Easter? It’s so far been an egg-cellent spring.
What do a witch and a candle have in common?
They're both wicked.
What did the thief steal on the theatre's opening night? The spotlight.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
Tommy Tucker tried to tie Tammy's Turtles tie.
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
Wish upon a starfish.
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
Why did the computer squeak? Because someone stepped on its mouse!
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
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