How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
You are the best compression gear because you made my blood flow.
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
Hello there, how do you brew?
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
Why are street thugs so good at basketball?
Because they know how to shoot, steal, and run.
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
What do you call yogurt that is terrified of other dairy products? A cow-ard!
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.
What's the best time of year to see gorillas in the wild? Ape-ril.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
A berry from which you can directly drink out of is a straw-berry.
Aria free next Friday for dinner?
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
It is not really much about how you bowl, but instead how you roll.
When I look into the Mirror of Erised, I see you giving me your number.
I C Major potential in us getting together.
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
I always like to keep my place stocked with coffee and breakfast food in case I don't wake up alone.
What do you call an angry kangaroo?
Hopping mad.
What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.
I should have dressed up as a ghost tonight so I could let you under my sheets.
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.
I asked about it once and he said "I like to bill them later."
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
Flowers like our minds, open at the right time. Mine has opened to receive your love.
I was trying to think of a good pun for your name, but I can’t think of Jack
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
How do snails make important calls? On shell phones.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Isabell.
Isabell who?
Is a bell working?
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
There’s a new dish out; it’s a cross between a cake and a bird. They call it a Flan-ingo.
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