I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
What do they play at the beginning of a car movie?
The trailer.
How do mountains hear?
with mountaineers.
Q: How did the tiger perform during the show?
A: He was a roaring success.
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
What do you call twin baby kangaroos?
Roo-mMates!
What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson!
Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.
When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What do we call a plumb pineapple? It is called a pineapple chunk!
What did the artist tell his greatest nemesis? I challenge you to a doodle!
Aren't you tired? Because you've been galloping through my mind all evening.
Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?
It was a big cat-astrophe
I was visiting my dear old Grandpa the other day when he said to me, "Let me give you a bit of advice. You can't make an omelette..."
"Without breaking eggs?" I finished for him.
"No. You can't make an omelette," he said, as he scraped it into the bin.
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
“The road to success is always under construction.”
I used to be a werewolf but I’m ok noooooooooooow!!
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!
A barber, a hairdresser, and Bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
Frankenstein entered a body-building competition…
And soon found he had seriously misunderstood the objective.
Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
Which tree is more annoying, pine or oak?
Pine. Because pine needles while oak leaves.
I have successfully managed to synthesize a protein that makes two people fall in love. Do you want to try it?
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
When I first saw you I looked for a signature, because every masterpiece has one.
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