My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
Hey girl, are you a pulmonary embolism?
Because you're making me breathless.
Super-duper storm troopers whoop it up at Death Star groupers: helmet thrashing, rebel bashing, laser blasting at party poopers.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
You must have been born in Pearl Harbor, because baby you da bomb.
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.
You're my missing ingredient.
Knock Knock
Who’s there Justin Justin who? Justin time to make the donuts!
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
I went to the Chinese buffet on crab leg night and ate my fill, but they kicked me out.
They said I was being too shellfish.
What is the little mermaid’s favorite font?
Arial.
What does the youngest flower child say?
Last bud not least!
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
The river turned out to be a great party guy because he just went with the flow.
What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a pet dog?
A terrified postman.
You can call me Jonah.
Because I'm going to show you a whale of a time.
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
I'm doing yoga tonight but I rather be doing you.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
What do you call a werewolf escapologist?
Hairy Houdini.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
Is that a candy cane in your pocket, or are you just struggling to contain your excite-mint?
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
Why an astronaut can be said similar to a football player? They both strive for touchdowns!
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
Haven’t I seen you before? Maybe in my dreams?
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