What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
Wanna see my norwegian wood?
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
Are you sure you're not from South Korea? Because I'm sure you're my 'Seoul'-mate.
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
Do you have any tape? Because I'm totally ripped.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
We make a great pear
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
I love you berry much.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
What do runners do when they forget something?
They jog their memory!
Hey I hope you don’t mind me messaging you… something about you just seemed very Amy-cable
The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
Hey baby, can I get your phone number? Oops, too late.
Was scared to approach you honestly, but I decided to take a Nata-leap of faith.
What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U
Ice cream trucks are pretty hardy, but they will break down if they drive over the rocky road.
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
How does a deer know what day of the week it is?
It looks at its calen-deer.
I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
I hear your thirsty? Well I've got a six pack right here!
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
Let's boomerbang!
I’ve got my ion you, baby.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
A group of crows placed evenly between two margins is definitely a justified murder.
Are you a campfire? Cause you are hot and I want s’more.
Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
The artist shouldn't have taken that sculpture for granite, now it's stone-cold.
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.
Having a ball this weekend with my best friends
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?
Lucky.
My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
"Daddy Neck Stretchers"
A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!
Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.
Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.
I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!
Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.
Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.
– Darlene Gifford
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