If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever ?
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
What do gnomes love to sing while gardening?
Gnome Worry, Bee Happy.
What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!
If there was no gravity on this planet, I would still fall for you.
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
Did you hear that? They're playing our future song on the speakers!
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
Where do beavers sleep? They sleep on a river bed.
Don’t pass on this party – rush on over.
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.
(Ray Gridley)
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
I can’t tell if that was an earthquake or if you just seriously rocked my world.
What a spud muffin.
Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?
Beause he knows he likes stabbing others in the back.
While the blues musician performed his most famous song, balloons of every color were released in the arena. Guess we may get to call it the 'House of Hues'.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
My brother, who is an IT guy, got surgery done on his fingers. Now he can truly be called a tech-knuckle support guy.
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
I wish I was your coronary artery so that I could be wrapped around your heart.
Why do witches not wear a regular hat?
Because there's no point in it.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
Why couldn’t the old cat see? He suffered from car-aracts
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