Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
You look so good, it's like you have a permanent photoshop filter on.
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
“What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop? A rebel without a Claus.”
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
"Every bunny was kung fu fighting."
What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf
Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.
Your pheromones are driving me wild.
What birds like to write?
Penguins!
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
What did the dessert say to the Granny Smith tree?
You’re the apple of my pie.
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
Mum, you are my soup-er star.
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
If you come with me, I'll show you a hard day's night.
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
Thank god I'm wearing gloves because you are too hot to handle.
My exotic bird challenged me to a game of chess
I told him, "Toucan play at that game."
When are you due back in heaven?
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
How does a kangaroo win a gold medal?
In the long jump.
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
Dominic Pick-Up Lines
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
That Kenyan black smells wonderful! May I try it? Normally I stick to English Breakfast, but I’m always open to experimenting.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
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